Sometimes People Think You're Stupid

Sometimes people think you're stupid. Why not carry around a handful of Scrabble letters in your pocket, and next time somebody thinks you're stupid, reach for your handkerchief. As you do so, accidently spill the Scrabble letters from your pocket onto the table. Casually remark: 'oh look, that spells pluvial,' as you sweep them up and return them to your pocket.

But not everyone is convinced by that. Maybe it was because you said pluvial meant 'sort of balanced looking, I think, but in a negative sense.' Don't fret: simply spend an evening picking out the Trivial Pursuit question card with the hardest set of questions, and memorise the answers.

Then, while having a drink with your friend, let him find the card under his beermat, and wow him with your knowledge: Eric Clapton, Quasi-Autonomous Non-Governmental Organisation, The Big Lebowski, The Parva Naturalia, 4th May 1964, and Buttons. Be sure to wait for him to ask the questions before you provide the answers.

If he still thinks you're stupid, and says they got the answer wrong on the card ( it's actually O Brother, Where Art Thou?) there's still hope. Take a couple of old Monopoly properties with you next time you meet, to let him know you're a seriously succesful businessman. Show him: you can get a £70 mortgage on a whole street, in central London; so don't get any funny ideas.

If he recognises the Monopoly card, don't fret yourself. It's not the end of the world:

Simply buy two-dozen chess sets, until you find one where the king piece looks most like you. Show your friend, and inform him that there is an entire tribe of miniature people living in your wall cavity, who worship you as their benign and hygienic God. Eighty-thousand of the famous Hoolahan Mice-Hunters can't be wrong, so he should treat you with more respect.